First Loves: Vol 3
by CelticX
Summary: A Sei/Youko side-story to Hiromi.  Sei has disappeared and Youko is worried about her.  And remembering the past does absolutely nothing to quell her fears.


A/N: As promised, for all you Sei/Youko lovers out there. This is a little side story to _Hiromi_ that I hope you will enjoy.

* * *

Youko sighed and sat gracefully on the soft, burgundy leather sofa in her two bedroom apartment so that she did not slosh the glass of deep red wine that she held in her right hand. Her left hand held her cell phone, for all the good it had done her over the past four days; ever since she had realized that Sei had disappeared once again.

Sei had done this once before the previous year. She had simply disappeared. One night she had been in her room in the little cottage at Yumiko-obasama's that she shared with her roommate Kei, speaking with Youko on the phone, talking about everything that had happened in the past couple of days. The next day she had been gone. And she had stayed gone for over a week. She had left a note in her room saying that she was taking a short trip, a vacation of sorts, even though school was still in session.

When she had returned she said absolutely nothing about where she had gone. She laughed and brushed it off as a spur of the moment fling – a "road trip" to clear her head – even though she had not taken her car. Not once despite all of Youko's questions did she let anything slip. She had simply been gone, and then she came back.

This year there had been no note, no phone call, no communication at all. None to her friends, none to her family (although her parents were once again out of town on a business trip), none to her teachers or to her roommate. Kei had said that she had not seen Sei in at least three days. Her car was still in her parking space at Yumiko-obasama's. She had turned off her cell phone as well. Youko had tried countless times over the past four days. Sei had simply disappeared off the face of the earth.

Again.

Youko took another sip of her wine and laid her head back against the sofa. Rei had taken the last train to Musashino to visit her family – and Yoshino-chan. Rei had moved into the apartment with her just before the beginning of the school year. As a first year student at Todai the majority of Rei's classes were just fulfilling the basic requirements and the prerequisites for the higher level classes she needed to take for her major. Like most graduates of Lillian, she was so far ahead of most of the curriculum that taking time off did not impair her studies. So it was just Youko tonight, with a glass of wine, an empty apartment, and her worry for the girl she loved.

Of course, those worries were not allowed to appear on her features. She had schooled herself so well that she maintained her cool even when no one was around to witness it. That did not mean that her gut wasn't churning and her heart pounding with her concern for the tall, blonde haired girl that she had first become aware of in her third year of middle school.

-oo-

Each of the three primary schools at Lillian – elementary, middle, and high school – had about five hundred students in attendance. Although not a large student population by some standards it was large enough that it was not impossible for students to be completely unaware of each other until late in their school lives. From kindergarten through middle school, Youko had not shared any classes with Sei. She had simply noticed her one day after classes as she traveled between the school and the bus stop. She had never been exactly sure what it was that had attracted her attention that day. Was it the long blonde hair and the slightly foreign look? The cool, aloof attitude? The assuredness of her aura as she walked along the cobbled paths that crisscrossed the entire campus? Or was it the fact that she was walking alone among the multitude of groups of students all heading towards the same destination.

Youko had been walking with a couple of her classmates just talking about homework when she had literally been stopped in her tracks by the beauty of the girl striding past them.

"Youko-san?" one friend had asked, looking back to where she seemingly stood frozen, "are you alright?"

"Hmm, oh, yes, I apologize. I was just wondering who that girl was. I have not seen her before," she replied once she had shaken off her stupor.

"Which one? Oh, you mean Sei-san?" her friend replied. "I don't know much about her, but I had her in one of my classes last year. She's fairly quiet and kind of a loner. A cold fish if you ask me. She never participates in anything outside of class, stays pretty much by herself, and never really talks to anyone. It's like she is just going through the motions, or simply marking time until something better comes along"

"She is in a couple of my classes this year," her other friend said after a moment's thought. "You're right, she never eats with anyone in class, always goes about her cleaning duties in silence, and only speaks in class when the teacher calls on her. I don't know if she even has any friends. I've never seen her with anyone."

"I heard that her parents are away a lot, so she lives mostly alone, but other than that, I know almost nothing about her background," the first girl said.

"Why the sudden interest, Youko," the second girl smirked, finding a rare opportunity to tease her upright and proper classmate, "are you falling in love with the gaijin?"

"Gaijin?" Youko asked, surprised. "Is she a foreigner?"

"Well, no, not really," the girl said, "it's just her looks seem a bit foreign. I once heard someone ask her if she was American or European. She simply said 'no' and walked away without another word."

"Well, how would you feel if someone asked you if you were a foreigner?" Youko asked heatedly. "Looks are not everything you know." _Why was she defending this girl so suddenly? She knew absolutely nothing about her, but for some reason she felt the need to take her side. Now isn't that strange?_

From that day on Youko had looked for "Sato Sei" whenever she was walking to or from classes. She did not see her very often. In a way it was surprising that she had noticed her in the first place given how little she saw her around campus. Each and every time Youko did see her, the girl was alone. There were never any friends hanging around her and rarely was anyone even speaking with her. It was like she was walking through the world alone, with no one around to distract her from whatever it was that she was doing or thinking.

Youko could see how some might consider the girl "cool" given her standoffish nature, but in order to be cool, you needed to at least say something. Sei-san never did; at least not that Youko could tell. She did hear one girl once call her a "bitch", but Sei-san had just looked at the girl as if she was no more than a fly speck and then turned and walked away without saying a word. However, Youko could have sworn that she saw the barest flicker of a smile grace the tall blonde's lips as she walked away. Youko just shook her head, unable to comprehend this girl that, for some reason, had captured her attention, and her interest, more so than any other single girl in school.

-oo-

She had continued her watchfulness of Sei-san after they started high school. From what she could tell Sei had made absolutely no changes in her attitude or personality with the advent of their final three years at Lillian. Sei-san seemed to garner a number of sempai's requesting her to be her petite soeur, but she had turned them all down.

Youko's own high school life progressed exactly in the manner in which she had planned. She had caught the attention of the current Rosa Chinensis en Bouton and, shortly thereafter, had become her petite soeur. She thoroughly enjoyed her time spent in the Rose Mansion and she learned a lot from her onee-sama as well as the other girls of the Yamayurikai.

Youko was the first petite soeur chosen by one of the boutons. She was not especially surprised upon hearing that the Rosa Gigantea en Bouton had taken a petite soeur. She was, however, surprised when the girl walked into the meeting room of the Rose Mansion with Sei-san trailing along at the end of their clasped hands. Sei was introduced to the rest of the girls and Youko heard her voice for the first time.

"I am Sato Sei, please take care of me," she said as her whole self-introduction. She looked like she could care less to be in that room at that time. Youko and her had talked a bit, gone over the duties of the Yamayurikai and what the roles of the Roses, the Bouton's, and their petite soeurs were supposed to be, and drank tea. Sei-san took it all in, at least she seemed to, but it was like the knowledge simply seeped into the top layer of her consciousness. None of it seemed to reach her heart.

Youko later learned that Sei had accepted the Rosa Gigantea en Bouton's offer of becoming her petite soeur simply because her onee-sama had told her that she liked her face and wanted her to stay by her side so that she could keep seeing her face. Knowing _why_ she was liked had made all the difference it seemed; even if it was for such a superficial reason.

Even after she became a member of the Yamayurikai, Sei-san spent a lot of time away from the Rose Mansion. She would show up occasionally, drink tea, help out a bit, spend time at the side of her onee-sama, and then disappear for another few days before she would show up again. It didn't make too much of a difference after the Rosa Foetida en Bouton chose Eriko Todo as her petite soeur. Spreading out the work among five versus six was not a major issue and Sei's onee-sama seemed to accept the blonde's attitude and work ethic.

She remembered the Rosa Gigantea en Bouton once telling her, "You need to know how to handle your petite soeur, Youko-chan. If you push too hard you will only push them away. However, if you don't push enough you are not teaching them what they need to know. Essentially, you need to know your petite soeur better than they know themselves and use that information in a way that will bring out the best in them. You cannot live their lives for them, only help them along the way. And, unfortunately, there are times when you need to simply stand back and watch the train wreck happen. Just be sure to be there to pick up the pieces afterwards."

Even with all Youko's own onee-sama taught her, it is those words that she remembered the most from her days at Lillian. She may be seen as a meddler, but there are times when even Youko had to watch from the sidelines, ready to be there when her petite soeur, or her friends, needed her after it had all fallen apart.

Which was the role she had to play after Sei fell in love with Shiori. Watching as Sei lost total interest in everything that did not revolve around Shiori was hard. She did what she could to make sure that Sei stayed involved with the Yamayurikai, but there was only so much she could do. Once, just once, she had gone against what she had been taught and tried to tell Sei that she should be careful in her relationship with Shiori Kubo; that there was something Shiori wasn't telling her. She was lucky that Sei realized Youko was worried only because she really cared for her as a friend. It could have gone so much worse for their relationship if she had reacted differently. As it was, Youko had to stand back once again and just be there for her when the inevitable occurred. Or at least she tried to.

"Don't you dare do this to her Shiori," she yelled at the object of Sei's desires that Christmas Eve. "Don't you dare just walk away without saying a word! That girl loves you more than anything. She is willing to give up everything for you!"

"I'm sorry, Youko-sama. I just can't face her. If I do, I know that my resolve will slip and I will go away with her. That is not the right thing for either of us. I know she loves me, and I love her, which is why I can't go away with her. It's a dream only. We would have nowhere to go. No money, no friends, no support. We would end up hating each other," Shiori cried, tears running down her face as she tried to explain why she had to abandon the girl she loved.

"It's alright, Youko-chan," Rosa Gigantea said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder, "she's right. It is a dream . . . at least for now. Maybe in a few years, maybe after you graduate, such a relationship will work," she said looking straight into Youko's eyes, "but running away now is definitely not the answer."

"I'm sorry Rosa Gigantea, but Sei at least deserves a reason," Youko argued. "I will allow Shiori to go, but not without at least a note, in her own hand, explaining exactly why she is running away from Sei."

And Youko had gotten that note . . . and had handed it to Sei as she waited desperately on that empty train platform for a girl that would never come while her onee-sama consoled her. Youko had been right. Only a note in Shiori's own hand would have been accepted as real. And then Sei said something that she never thought she would hear from her.

"I'm sorry I worried you," Sei said, her head down. It was the first time she had ever heard her acknowledge how much Youko cared for her. And it made her realize just exactly how much she really did care for her.

-oo-

_I don't know when "like" and "caring" turned into "love"_, Youko thought as she swirled the wine around in her glass before taking another sip, _but it did_.

She had helped Sei pick up the pieces after Shiori had left her. Almost between one day and the next she had seen her personality change, like someone had flicked a switch. When Sei returned from winter break she had cut her hair short and she was sporting a brand new attitude.

Gone was the brooding, lone wolf, Shiori loving Sei. In her place was a fun loving, happy-go-lucky, flirt with anything in skirts, Sei Sato. Of course it was just a defense mechanism. She had been hurt when she was the "lone wolf" so she would become something that could not be hurt. Instead she would be the "love 'em and leave 'em" type, never putting her heart on the line again. It hurt to see the change in the girl she loved, but she understood it. And she knew, underneath all of that superficial covering, was still the girl that she loved so dearly.

Yes, she had admitted that she loved Sei Sato, at least to herself. She wasn't sure that she would ever have the courage to actually tell Sei. She had become happy to once again be standing on the sidelines watching the beautiful blonde and being her friend. As long as she kept her own counsel and kept her mouth shut she would not drive Sei away from her. That was what she thought and so that is what she did.

It hurt sometimes, but it was better to have Sei in her life than to lose her. But now, somehow, she had lost the damn girl. She had run off without telling anyone where she was going and it pissed her off to no end, along with scaring her to death. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling.

So she sipped her wine in her two bedroom apartment, looking at the cream colored walls and the stylish furniture, a glass of dark red wine in her hand, and she worried. She didn't bother to turn on the TV. The only thing, the only person that she loved was out there, somewhere, and she was almost afraid to hear a news report about a train wreck, or a taxi accident, or a mugging, or a murder, that might mention her name.

She looked at the cell phone in her left hand once more before forcing herself to put it down on the glass topped coffee table. It would do no good to try to call her again. She would be back when she was back. She would call when she called. There was nothing she could do about it. She closed her eyes and laid her head against the back of the sofa once more, trying to allow the quiet of the apartment to settle her jangled nerves. Every so often she would take another sip of her wine, trying to make sure that she stayed awake . . . just in case.

-oo-

Watching the way Sei treated Yumi was both fun and heartbreaking. She had to admit that she enjoyed watching the young girl's face as she was accosted by the tall blonde. More than once she had found herself giggling as one extreme expression after another crossed the face of Sachiko's petite soeur. The fact that the girl still allowed it despite the embarrassment it caused her said a lot for Yumi's patience . . . and insight.

Yumi knew that Sei was only fooling around, trying to get a rise out of her and her grand soeur; but she also saw that these little exhibitions provided Sei with some kind of outlet, a way to flirt without potentially hurting anyone. The fact that it also drove Sachiko crazy was just an added benefit for Sei. And Yumi actually liked seeing her onee-sama getting jealous. It proved that Sachiko really did care for her.

Yumi and Shimako were probably the best possible medicine that Sei could get. Yumi allowed her to act out and play the role she had developed for herself. Shimako's calm nature and impregnable serenity gave Sei a sense of peace that she could get nowhere else. Sei truly loved both girls. It was the first time she had allowed someone into her heart since Shiori had left her. And both girls somehow knew how fragile that heart was and treated it with extreme care. No, Youko could do nothing but thank both of them for what they did for her Sei. But it still hurt.

-oo-

_Her Sei_. How she wished that were the truth. She sighed once again and opened her eyes. Her wineglass was empty. The bottle was still in the kitchen but she didn't feel like another glass. Too much and she would get even more melancholy than she already was. Sighing she stood up and headed towards the kitchen to wash her glass when a soft knock came on her apartment door.

She couldn't guess who it might be. There were a very limited number of people that she had authorized security to allow up without being announced. Her parents were out of the country, Sachiko and Yumi should have been at their homes doing their school work, and Sei . . .

Her hands suddenly shaking, she carefully put her glass down on the counter and walked slowly to the door as another quiet knock sounded. Her heart was pounding in her chest and sweat broke across her brow as she bent slightly to take a peek through the peephole. All she saw was a blur of . . . what . . . blonde hair?

She fumbled with the locks, trying too quickly to undo them, and yanked the door open.

Sei stood there, leaning against the doorframe, her hand up in a position to knock once more, her head down, looking at the floor. She nearly fell into Youko's arms as the support that the door had been providing as she leaned her head against it was suddenly removed. A quick step forward kept her on her feet. She stopped just before she ran into Youko as she stood frozen in place.

"S-Sei?"

"Ah, um, I'm sorry to show up unannounced like this," the former Rosa Gigantea said softly, running a hand through her hair but still not really looking at Youko. "I just got back into the country and I figured your place was better than a hotel. No, that's not really true . . . um."

"Sei, where have you been?" Youko asked calmly, her voice belying the racing of her heart, "What do you mean 'just got back into the country'? Where . . . well, anyway, that can wait. Please come in so that I can close the door. Can I get you a drink?" she asked, once again the consummate hostess. Sachiko wasn't the only one that could play that role.

"Ah, actually, Youko, would you mind if I just got a glass of water. It was a very long flight and if I had any alcohol I would probably pass out. And I don't need to pass out tonight."

"Certainly. Why don't you take a seat on the sofa while I get it," she said as she moved towards the kitchen. What was happening? She had never seen Sei like this. Her exhaustion was obvious, but her attitude . . .

When she walked back into the living room Sei, instead of being seated on the couch, was kneeling on the floor across from the sofa on the kitchen side of the coffee table.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable on the sofa, Sei?" she asked as she set the glass of water down before her friend.

"No, no, this is fine. This is where I want to be right now. Thank you Youko," she said still in that quiet voice. She picked up the glass, her hand was shaking, and she took a small sip. "Ah, that's good. Thank you, Youko. Um, please sit down, sit down," she said with a wave towards the sofa.

Sei was back, but Youko's fear had not yet been alleviated. Her friend was acting too oddly for her to be completely happy at her return. She didn't know what was going on, but she wouldn't push either. The words of Sei's onee-sama rang once again in her head. _If you push too hard you will only push them away_. Now that she was back Youko didn't want to do anything that could possibly force her to go away again, so she sat on the sofa and leaned forward, simply waiting for Sei to speak.

"I found her last year, Youko," Sei finally said a few minutes later, her voice barely above a whisper. "She has entered a cloister in Rome. Once a year she and the other sisters are allowed to leave the cloister and she heads up to another small convent in Florence. I didn't get a chance to talk to her last year, but I did this year. After a . . . friend . . . gave me the courage and the support necessary to meet with her, I finally spoke to her."

"Shiori," Youko said, just to get the name out into the open.

"Yes, Shiori," Sei admitted. "I needed to see her one last time, Youko. I needed to hear it from her own mouth that she was happy. I needed that closure. I needed it before I could finally move forward. I got it."

Not once had Sei raised her head to look at her. Now she did and Youko was shocked at the bags under her swollen, red eyes.

"I'm sorry, Youko," Sei said, "I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. I know that you have watched over me these past couple of years, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it, and how much it means to me, but I still need to say how sorry I am that you had to do it in the first place. I know it hasn't been easy, watching me play my little games, pretending that everything was alright. Especially knowing how you feel about me."

"Sei, I . . ."

"No, please, just let me finish," Sei said, her eyes begging for Youko's understanding. She then did something Youko never thought in her life that she would see Sei do. Sei scooted back on her knees and placed her forehead against the carpeted floor. "I know you love me, Youko. I have known for a long time. But I didn't think that I could return that love with this still hanging over my head. That's why I went to Italy without saying anything to anyone. I wasn't exactly sure what would happen . . . what she would say or what I would do when I saw her. But it wasn't what I thought it would be.

"I stopped her on a side street in Florence. She smiled at me and said hello. We had lunch at a small outdoor café and she told me everything that had happened to her since she left that night. She was happy to finally be able to tell me how sorry she was directly, without the need of a note. And throughout that lunch, I kept finding myself thinking of only one thing . . . one person. You.

"When I finally got to see her, to speak with her, I realized that there was no love left there. None at all. I was happy for her. Happy that she had found her calling and that she was happy where she was, but that was all. All the time she was speaking, all I could think about was you. How your smile lifts my spirits. How your strength keeps me going. How the light in your eyes shines like my sun. When we finished lunch, we said good-bye, shook hands and walked away. Actually, I started running. I checked out of the hotel as fast as I could and grabbed the first plane back here . . . back to you.

"Mizuno Youko, I know I do not deserve your forgiveness. I know I do not deserve your love, but I ask, as selfish and as craven as it may seem, I beg you to please forgive me. I ask you if it is possible . . . if it is at all possible, that I could please ask you to be with me. To accept the love of this lowly creature and . . . and . . . oh, hell."

Sei looked up, barely lifting her head from the floor and looking through her lashes, to see what Youko's reaction would be. She was therefore surprised to find that Youko had moved from her seat on the sofa and now knelt directly in front of her.

"Um . . . Youko?" Sei asked, sitting up.

"Yes, Sei."

"Yes?"

"Yes. I will forgive you, and yes, I will allow you to love me, even if it is only half as much as I love you," Youko whispered, a catch in her voice and moisture budding in her eyes. "There is so much I want to say. I want to scream at you for scaring me so badly. I want to berate you for everything you have put me through. But more than anything I want to be able to tell you, out loud and for the first time, just how much I love you. And even that isn't enough. I don't know how to put it all into words. I don't know how else to say it, but . . . welcome home, Sei."

The tears started to well up in Sei's eyes, and she felt a sob beginning in her throat before she visibly swallowed it and allowed Youko to take her into her arms and hold her. Youko laid her head against that of her love and allowed the tears of happiness to flow.

"Youko," Sei whispered, the emotions coursing through her too strong for anything more, "I'm home."

* * *

Thanks for reading. As always, your comments would be greatly appreciated.

Take care.


End file.
